i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
