Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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