But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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