i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
