Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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