she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
