all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
