i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
