Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize