Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
