Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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