Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
