I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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