a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
