No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
