Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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