If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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