Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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