I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
