There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Rumble strips road head = magical
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
