i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
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