I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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