Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
