@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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