I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
zippers are such a cool invention
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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