I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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