I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
