Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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