your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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