the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
