All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
