I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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