I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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