and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
