Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
