checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Randomize
