One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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