i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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