please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
