So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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