I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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