Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
