Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am naked and annoyed.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
