Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
