Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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