Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
