I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Text me some of your sweat
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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