I got chris browned last night
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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