so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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