we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
