capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
