so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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