Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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