Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
