I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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