I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
