There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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